Infertile yet pro-choice

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The news coverage on this Planned Parenthood thing has been fascinating.  For one that so many people believe that baby parts are truly being sold (fallacy) and two people think that by defunding Planned Parenthood it’s going to solve the abortion ‘problem’.  When in reality…..the government does not pay for abortions.  Lets get that out there immediately.  Tax dollars do NOT pay for abortion.  I don’t really understand why abortion is such a hot-button debate issue.  A woman either has a baby or doesn’t, I’m not really sure why folks that are pro-life feel the need to get involved with the pregnancy in the first place.  My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 5 years. It hasn’t happened, and it wont. But I will still try until the magical age of 35, then evaluate my choice from there.  But if we did get pregnant and there was something wrong with the fetus,  I would terminate for medical reasons or TFMR for short.  In a perfect world there would be no need for abortions.  People who want kids…have them, people who don’t want kids…don’t have them.  But life happens.  Birth control fails, rape happens, pregnancy complications happen.  To take away a woman’s right to be alive is abhorrent to me.  Women are more than incubators.  If a pregnancy is threatening a woman’s life…..that pregnancy should not continue.  There is no virtue in dying for your potential unborn baby.  My husband and I already talked about this.  If we do get pregnant and my life is in danger it’s not even a choice, the pregnancy will end.  The baby doesn’t get a choice, because it is inside of my body and has no rights…..like should always be the case.  A fetus or baby in utero should never be MORE important than the woman that is already alive, breathing and established personhood.  I was pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy.  The pregnancy had no hope of being viable but I was still pregnant and I had a tiny baby that had a heartbeat (I was almost 8 weeks along).  I HAD to end it’s life since it was going to end mine if it had continued.  In the future if they make all abortion illegal even in cases where it saves the life of the mother….then I just committed a murder.  Pro-lifers just need to get on board with choice.  It’s not about the baby.  Once that embryo attaches to the uterus and the heart starts beating at 5 weeks then that IS going to be a baby.  There should be no debate on science.  But to take away a woman’s choice over a 5 week old embryo?  That’s ridiculous.  It’s not about responsibility either….who cares if someone is responsible?  What business do people have in deciding what responsibility is? I think if you don’t want a baby and know you wont give it a good life….it’s responsible to abort it.  I think if a baby in utero is developing badly (insert horrible birth defect here) then it’s responsible and an act of mercy to abort such a situation.  It’s not up to anyone else to place judgement or blame on another person regarding pregnancy.  ‘If only she used protection’ ‘If only she didn’t spread her legs’ ‘If only she gave it up for adoption’ ‘if only she *insert other blame here*’  It’s always ‘if only’ followed by ‘she’.  The crux of the matter of abortion is choice, not whether or not it’s a baby.  To take away someone else’s human right to have a choice (alive and breathing) then that’s not being human in my opinion.

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I worry about you as a mother……

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The words my husband said to me after yet another argument.  I feel like that’s all we have been doing lately is arguing.  We don’t even argue about money.  I thought we have been ‘trying’ to have kids for these last 5 years. I guess I have been the only one who really wanted one.  I’m just not really sure how to take the statement.  Maybe he’s right.  Maybe I would be a bad mom.  Both my husband and my mom (we live together) made plans to have my nieces and nephew down for a week in august.  I guess as a nicety they ‘asked’ me if I would be okay with that idea.  So for one they put me on the spot since they’ve already made this plan, and two I would now be the bitch if I said ‘yeah, I do have a problem with that’.  So I said ‘no, I don’t really want them down here, again’ (they’ve already been down for a week in June) and they have made the plans anyway.  They have a point, mom is a grandma and she just wants to spend time with her grandkids.  And I do love my nieces and nephew.  It just bothers me that I really….wasn’t even considered.  I suppose it shouldn’t be about me anymore, now that I’m 34.  But that’s all I know is my own consciousness.  My brother and his wife only see my sisters kids like once a year and they barely interact with them, and they have 2 kids.  Does that make them bad parents?  How someone reacts to someone else’s kid should not determine their worth as a parent.    My dad got extremely irritated at other people’s kids but he was a wonderful dad to me and my siblings, I mean he wasn’t perfect, but he was my dad.  I just don’t understand how I could possibly be a bad mom just because I don’t want to spend 100 percent of my time with my nieces and nephews.  I haven’t even been given the opportunity to be a bad mom!  Yeah babies are a whole new game.  You can’t have routines, you can’t worry about yourself, you have this child to worry about.  But if my husband thinks I would be a bad mom…..I have given up on my dream of having my own child.  It’s not worth the stress to have one of my own if I have to worry about if my husband thinks I’m good enough.  At 34 it’s too late for anything different.

Caution, over reaction post haste!

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People need to wear signs. Signs that tell you exactly what you can and cannot say to them.  It seems to me that the world in general is getting a little ‘stuffy’ so to speak.  Everything offends somebody, and of course we have to blog about it, or write into the news.  The ‘Right to Feed’ movement is getting ridiculous.  I’m glad you breastfeed but some mom’s cant breast feed.  If I adopted a child…I certainly wouldn’t be able to breast feed said child.  So why do people get so worked up on whether or not their child or someone else’s child gets the breast or takes formula?  I figure either way the child is getting fed, so what’s the harm?  Most of the over reactions I have seen around the media have to do with parenting.  Sometimes I wonder why I still want to be a parent these days.  Seems like parents are just tearing each other down.  The term I believe is ‘sanctimommy’.  Believing your parenting style is superior to another’s.  Or even if you chose natural birth with no drugs….somehow that makes you stronger than someone who chose an epidural.  This world has gotten to the point where we think our opinions are so important, thanks to social media.  There was a word fifty years ago for mothers that ‘tutted’ over the way other mothers would do things.  The word was ‘mother-in-law’.  Seriously, our world is slowly being taken over by a bunch of nightmare mother in laws who can’t be pleased unless everything is done their way.

I’ve noticed this knee-jerk reaction to other topics as well.  I can’t have kids (or if I do…..it’s the second coming of some diety!).  But if someone wants to ask me if I have kids…or when I’m having kids…..what’s the harm in that?  An article I read on yahoo recently was about a woman who thought getting asked ‘when she was having kids’ was a slap in the face.  I’m just curious as to whether or not she has been slapped in the face (I don’t condone violence just FYI).  This woman took a simple way of getting to know someone and blew it up to be the most heartbreaking thing in her life.  Just relax people!  I guess what I’m saying is what’s the point of living your life offended about everything?  When you are on your deathbed (we all will be at some point) you wont be too worried about whether Jane doe over yonder is breast feeding her child.  When we pass from this earth, we want family, friends, loved ones to be there.  Ease us through that door into the afterlife; whatever that entails.  Calm down, take a breath and ask yourself…..is this issue really ‘that’ important to me?

Learning follow-through

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I want to be the one that has it figured out.  Not the one that makes plans and then sits there.  I don’t know if it’s a procrastination, or if it’s a lack of motivation.  I don’t mean just weight wise either.  In order to go back to school, I have to take the COMPASS test.  Nothing is stopping me from doing it, just my own self.  I have no reason not to do it, I have every reason to take the test.  So what is stopping me?  I can stick to a diet for max 4 months.  I have discovered the limit to my ability to follow through.  4 months.  When I start things, it’s all or nothing.  Taking the COMPASS test is just the first step to achieving something else with my life.  There doesn’t even have to be a second step, but my mind thinks I need to go to school right now otherwise why bother?  I’m trying to make sense of how my brain is wired.  Trying to see if there is a way to change some ways of thinking.  Talk more positive with myself….give myself a break.  Like my last blog I said I was going to try and write something everyday…and this is my first blog since that last post.  It feels like failure….when I haven’t even started, if that makes sense. In order to lose weight for example…you have to exercise and be mindful of your eating.  My mind’s logic is…I didn’t exercise today….that’s it, I gained all my weight back.  It’s a mystery to me why I have to wake up, drink coffee and get on the computer. Why can’t I drink coffee whilst outside?  Why can’t I go for a 20 min walk everyday….without giving myself the pressure of ‘it has to be for a reason’.  Changing your way of thinking seems impossible…but I’m going to try.  I want to find new ways of living my life.  Be happy with other things other than what follows my ‘routine’.  I want to break free from the limitations I give myself.

Trying something new

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I’m going to try and write a little something daily.  Since work has been so stressful lately, and I haven’t been talking to people like I should; maybe this can be an outlet of sorts.  My life in general is good.  My marriage is great, the finances are going okay (could be better) but nothing too outrageous.  I just need a path.  A purpose so to speak.  Having kids is a pipe dream, I need to find a new dream.  Something that I can say ‘yeah I made that’ and be proud.  Been thinking a lot about our lives as humans and where our souls go when we pass on.  Where to our minds go?  Everyday people have all this internal dialogue running through their brains….what happens to that when our bodies die?  Most people have children to pass their memories too and of course their DNA.  I don’t have that (and to be realistic, may never have that) so what happens to me? Do I just cease to exist?  And Why is my mind in this body?  Why am I looking out of these eyes, rather than someone else’s eyes.  If my brain got transferred into a new body…would that still be me?  These are the things I have been thinking about lately.  Some days I might write a few sentences.  Some days it might be a whole novella…all I know is, I need some place to go in times of stress.  And if this keeps me grounded and to the present….then that’s a bonus for me!

Taking a TTC Break

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I have made the conscious decision to stop TTC for now.  I am starting a new adventure in my life and that means getting healthier.  I plan on having gastric bypass surgery in about 6 months and in order to do that I need to really be focusing on my health, fitness, and changing my overall lifestyle.  I’m confident that I will learn a lot over this next half a year, and be able to take this through my life.  Once you have the surgery you have to wait approx.  a year to try and conceive if you want to get pregnant.  That’s obviously to give your body time to adjust to it’s new metabolic system and what not.

I’m doing this so I have a better chance at getting pregnant.  I have been pregnant before and I was a smaller weight.  So why do such a drastic surgery?  Because I’m sick of yo-yo dieting.  I’m sick of losing and gaining hundreds of pounds.  I want to learn the skills to lose the weight and maintain throughout my life.

I am 266 lbs and a lot of people tell me I am not heavy enough for the surgery.  They tell me things like ‘you look fine, you don’t even look that heavy!’  and “why do you want to do that for?  just go on a diet!’   Believe me I know their judgments because I have had them as well.

But since I am 33, only getting older, and have been up and down in weight so many times since I was a teenager, the time is now to put a stop to it, finally change my life and be healthy.  I may not be over 300lbs, but I have back problems, I have gastrointestinal problems, I  don’t sleep well, my whole body aches, I get sick really easy, I’m at risk for diabetes.  Not to mention the outside appearance of myself and not loving my whole self.  I wear a 2x sometimes 3x in scrubs.  I am a CNA and in order to truly be able to do my job longterm, I need to get the weight off.

So for now, even though it pains me to do so, I have to put TTC on the back burner.  Even if losing the weight does not help me achieve pregnancy, at least I will live longer, healthier and be able to grow old with my husband whom I love with all my heart.

Not in the mood

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So my hubs and I are going up north this weekend.  According to fertility friend this weekend is my ‘fertile’ time.  We are going to be staying at my sisters, so baby dancing…..aint happening.   So we had a plan that we would baby dance today and then baby dance Sunday night when we got home.  I am just not in the mood.  I don’t want to force myself to have sex to try and get pregnant…..today anyway.  I took femera this cycle, so I kind of feel like I’m wasting it if I don’t try to baby dance.  But what can I do?  I simply do not want to try and work it into my schedule before I have to go to work at 2p.m.  Maybe when I get home from work I will be ‘in the mood’ but right now….nada, don’t go near my lady parts!  I have yet to get a positive OPK test anyhow. So maybe when we brown chicken brown cow on sunday, it will do the trick.  Who knows, I may not even ovulate this cycle and it would all be for naught.  In others news since I’m still not pregnant and therefore have no ‘big’ news to share.  I have been learning how to do crafts.  I met this girl at work earlier this year and at  first I thought she was a spaz.  She talked about banana trees a lot and was kind of weird.  She knows this, I told her because I don’t feel it’s necessary to talk about people behind their backs.  Well who would have thought we have hit it off now!  I always try to keep an open mind about people even after my first ‘flash’ judgment (you know we ALL have those quick opinions).  So through the months of talking with her, I started to find her more interesting…and a lot like me in a way.  I asked her if she had Asperger’s and she said ‘no’, but I don’t believe her.  She acts too much like me for that to be true.  We have been 2 peas in a pod lately which is awesome because I don’t make friends.  I have people I like, but I very very very rarely make an actual friend.  I chalk that up to my Asperger’s mostly, but I am getting better socially as time goes on.  Back to my friend, she does all things crafts.  You name some thing she will be like ‘I can make all the things!’.  She has been teaching me how to knit and how to do these paracord bracelets, also we have been trying to learn how to make hair bows together (she actually didn’t know how to make them!).  I wear a hair accessory in my hair every day at work (I’m a CNA) with my scrubs and am quite known for it, so I thought it would be awesome to make my own.  So I have been busy, fueling this friendship with my new friend.  Making sure I’m responding to texts, inviting her over and hanging out.  We may be going to work out together after work as well, and that would be amazing.  Working out is boring but when you have a partner then pain is not so bad.  You can be miserable together!  I think I have made a positive impact on her life as well because she was considered a weirdo at work, more people are giving her a chance because I’m giving her a chance.  That may sound ‘conceited’ but there is a reason.  I know I am well liked at work.  I work full time, I am my residents favorite CNA (they tell me, and co-workers tell me as well), I have really let my personality shine through despite always always being reserved in the past.  So I think if people like me, they will in turn like her….a friendship by proxy?  If anybody has dealt with being Autistic, or has an autistic child they will know how big a deal this is..to have a true friend, that accepts you for you.  And I accept her for her, she’s truly interesting 😀  So that’s my spiel for today, just my thoughts about how romantic timed sex is, and my progress towards being a functional Autistic person!