4 years. 4 years since my one and only pregnancy ended with an ectopic. My husband and I are currently infertile, with little hope of conceiving on our own….or even with medical intervention for that matter. I used to be bitter, angry and depressed about the unfairness of it all. I used to see a woman with 3 kids…pregnant with her 4th and think ‘Yeah, that’s fair’ or someone at the walmart who takes their foodcard to pay for their groceries pregnant with 2 little ones already and think ‘That’s cool, having kids for the government benefits, must be nice to get all that help’. Yes I think these things, it doesn’t make me horrible, it just makes me what most people are….judgmental.
But things have gotten a lot better, probably because I work with a pregnant woman. She was contemplating abortion, but she didn’t want to talk to me about it since she knows that I am infertile. I decided then and there that I wasn’t going to treat this infertility thing with kid gloves. I wasn’t going to have people walk on eggshells when talking about pregnancy. I don’t want to be that person. I am infertile, open and still proud to be a woman. I will continue to try and get pregnant, will continue to talk about my struggles, but I will NOT take away another woman’s joy of being pregnant, simply because I cannot.
I see so many infertile woman who write posts about being so angry and depressed because everyone around them is pregnant and they aren’t. They wont take a break from trying because if you don’t try you don’t get pregnant. It’s become a lifelong achievement of theirs and since it’s happening to other people and not them, their life is meaningless. My question to them is ‘why did you get married?’ Did you not get married to the man you loved? (same sex couples need not apply here although they can struggle with infertility). Isn’t it enough to simply be able to be with the one you married for the rest of your lives? Having a baby is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. I don’t expect other infertile woman to understand, nor do I look down on them for feeling depressed for not conceiving. But there is life after infertility. Once you get into your 40’s the chances of conceiving are so small (1-5%) that you might as well take that time to truly live your life, rather than pine for that baby you never had.
I am only 33 so I still have some time left and my husband and I will continue to try and have a baby. Still do treatments, but when we are done trying….that’s it, no need to drag our marriage into the ground just because there is no baby. I have been with my husband since high school…..I am still in love with him, and look forward to being with him everyday. Having children does not define us, and it shouldn’t define anybody.