I sit here listening to “Lola Montez” by Volbeat. It’s one of my favorite songs. This woman is a strong, sexual, feisty woman who enraptures men with her ‘spider dance’. I would love to be Lola Montez and go down in the history books. But, I’m just me. Autistic, infertile me who wouldn’t be able to dance if her life was on the line! But this post isn’t about dancing, just trying to get in a positive mindframe right now.
I am back to CD 1 again…….this is not new news. This last cycle I took clomid, had perfect CM, perfect BD, perfect Ovulation, but still no BFP for me. I don’t even test anymore. 4 years and 3 months of infertility (not to mention the ectopic 4 years ago) and being obsessed…what’s the point anymore. I know my period is coming, so why bother with an empty promise that maybe I implanted late. Maybe those gas pains were actually implantation pains? Oooooh Sore BB’s I MUST be pregnant! I honestly just don’t bother getting those hopes up….I just enjoy the fact I don’t have my period yet.
This cycle I decided I’m going to up the dosage of the femara I have left and give it another go. I wish there is something I could give my DH for his low sperm count, but almost nothing helps for that. I haven’t seen my RE since May because I just don’t feel like going through another IUI right now. Probably next year with taxes we can do an injectible IUI…see if that helps. I just don’t see how anything other than IVF will really make a difference.
Meanwhile I should get my weight in order but that’s too embarrassing to talk about on this blog, and I honestly don’t think I’m ready to take responsibility for my eating habits, quite yet. Hopefully soon, but not yet. In other news a friend of mine came over yesterday and we made hair bows. This is a brand new thing for me! I am the antithesis of crafty, but I have some skill if I’m patient enough. I also do not make friends, I tolerate people, but rarely…..really rarely do I make a friend. I find I don’t have the same social skills as most of the population….so I just copy what others do when they are social. But with my friend…..I don’t have to ‘pretend’ to be interested…I’m actually interested! That’s huge for me 😀
So, I’m going to think positive, keep focusing on other things….other than infertility. So far so good!