This last weekend I went to a get together for my wonderfully fabulous mom, it’s her birthday. I was under the assumption that it was just going to be us kids (myself and hubby, my sister and her hubby and 3 kids, and my brother and his wife and 2 kids) and my mom and dad. I am used to the chaos surrounding that kind of get together and I know how to prepare myself. Anyway, the party ended up with 2 of my uncles and their wives coming to the party also! There was waaaaaay too much going on, talk about sensory overload.
I don’t know what happens to other people when they are in crowds, or a room full of people, but when I am in a room full of people all I hear is white noise. I can’t pick out one conversation from the other, someone could be talking right to my face but if I don’t make eye contact, I don’t know that they are talking to me specifically. I wanted to hide away, in my own safe area where there was no noise and I could be in peace. But I couldn’t. There was no safe area. All the kids were downstairs with my hubby (my hubby is the favorite uncle) so there is all that noise, and then upstairs where all the adults with all their conversations. I do wish I could have easy conversations with others, but it’s just an impossibility due to the nature of my asperger’s.
My husband had tried to give me a back rub to reassure me, and sometimes that works. But when I am already over stimulated like that, the back rub felt like I was being electrocuted. I had hurt his feelings because I pulled away from him, but then I explained what was going on, and he understood. That is why my husband is perfect for me, he sort of is able to anticipate my needs, even before I do! I love my husband with all my heart and I reciprocate in the best way I know how, but the relationship is a little bit more geared towards my needs at that moment. Not to say that he doesn’t get his needs fulfilled, he is just able to understand my needs more than I am able to understand his.
When I got home last night, I was exhausted, but I had work. That is another thing I am so tired of, working night shift. Hopefully things will change in the next couple of weeks, otherwise I will keep looking for a change in hours. That is all I have for now because it’s supper time and my hubby is like ‘it’s time to eat!’ Thanks for reading!
There are times in my life that I just want to scream out “BUT I HAVE ASPERGER’S!” as a way for people to instantly know me and my behaviors. The problem with that is, most of the time I can ‘act’ normal, so I when let my ‘autism’ out it makes no sense to people. I can’t say ‘Well I am autistic’ because then I get the response ‘You act normal to me!’. I say ‘la-de-da’!
Today was a prime example of why I would love to just wear a shirt that proudly proclaims my Asperger’s. I was training/shadowing at a new house today, never having worked there before, the boss lady expected me to do a bunch of stuff without fully explaining what she wanted me to do. First she’s giving me laundry to fold, then she’s wanting me to check and order meds, then she’s wanting me to do something with a client, then she’s wanting me to remember the house code….etc….etc…etc. I was taken aback by her condescending tone when I didn’t do something the way she wanted it done. I was immediately overwhelmed and just wanted to escape but I couldn’t. I was expected to then pick up clients and bring them to the house. After about an hour I told her my concerns, that I was uncomfortable in the house and I wasn’t feeling the ‘vibe’. She got offended and said ‘well that’s too bad because this is a great house!’ I couldn’t tell her that it was HER that made me want to leave, not the house or the clients. I just wish that she could have taken it slower, and let me have a moment to process each thing she expected of me. She kept interrupting me when I wanted to ask her to slow down! So I just had to leave, escape the situation. She told me ‘well don’t limit yourself to a few houses because nobody will take you back’. I don’t understand that statement, so I just called human resources and left a message to please call me back. When I arrived home I felt like a failure, I felt like I was wrong for feeling the way I was feeling, and I felt like I didn’t have a voice. I was shaking and cold and I couldn’t calm down for about an hour. My husband told me to just let it go, but now I am ruminating about it and it will stay that way til I can talk to human resources.
I don’t like showing people my differences and I don’t like explaining to people my differences, because it seems like they don’t believe me. I may have been diagnosed later in life, and I may be high functioning, but that doesn’t mean that I am not autistic. It’s hard to be an inbetweener. I have all of the aspects of autism, I just have to ‘act’ like I don’t because I have to work and survive in a world that doesn’t yet understand why I need less noise, why I need things explained to me in an orderly fashion, why I can’t handle change, why I obsess, why I have to wear hoodies all the time, and why I am the way I am. It’s hard to say to people that don’t understand ‘but I have asperger’s’.
I’m sitting here anxiously waiting for my first ebay listing to sell. In fact I woke up early, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I just got up and made myself some coffee. Ruminating about it isn’t going to make it sell faster, but I guess I just can’t help myself.
It’s one of the things I despise about being aspie. I’m like a dog with a bone (I heard that analogy on a show somewhere and it seems appropriate). Like when I was ruminating about using my savings, and not having enough money. My mind just wouldn’t quit until I went back to my old job and asked to be rehired. Now it’s this ebay thing. I work night shift so I am accustomed to strange hours, but this is my off time. I am supposed to be able to sleep in, not get up at 6:30 in the morning having frantic thoughts about something as trivial as ebay.
And I can’t help myself. I seriously can’t stand myself when I am like this. I cannot think about other things; I am doing things just to keep my hands and mind busy all the while constantly thinking about my current obsession. It’s not just this ebay thing, that’s just the most recent obsession. When we were low on funds, that was all I would talk/think about. When I contemplated vying for a promotion at my job, that was all I would think about and talk about. Last year I wanted to go to Minnesota on vacation and that’s ALL I could think about, or talk about for 5 months. And I ended up not even going. You get the point, I ruminate.
My husband is really patient and just listens when I go on a rant about the current obsession. Even if I literally just ranted about it a few hours before hand. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate having asperger’s. In fact there are a lot of aspects to it that benefit me, like in my job. I work with people with developmental disabilities. I have an ‘inside’ perspective so to speak and I absolutely love working with this population. Okay, got off course. I just hate having something I am interested in, turn into a complete, and please don’t get offended, mindfuck.
I wish there was a better phrase for how I feel other than swearing. But it seems an appropriate way to describe what goes on in my brain. A lot of times, the build up is so overwhelming that I can’t even enjoy the actual event. I wish there was an ‘off’ switch, maybe near my temple, but then that would be very noticeable and people would ask questions, and that would be awkward. So maybe not a ‘literal’ off switch. I just want to have a relaxed and calm mind, and not have to obsess over something so much that it exhausts me.