As cool as she was she didn’t care……

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I sit here listening to “Lola Montez” by Volbeat.  It’s one of my favorite songs.  This woman is a strong, sexual, feisty woman who enraptures men with her ‘spider dance’.  I would love to be Lola Montez and go down in the history books.  But, I’m just me.  Autistic, infertile me who wouldn’t be able to dance if her life was on the line!  But this post isn’t about dancing, just trying to get in a positive mindframe right now.

I am back to CD 1 again…….this is not new news.  This last cycle I took clomid, had perfect CM, perfect BD, perfect Ovulation, but still no BFP for me.  I don’t even test anymore.  4 years and 3 months of infertility (not to mention the ectopic 4 years ago) and being obsessed…what’s the point anymore.  I know my period is coming, so why bother with an empty promise that maybe I implanted late.  Maybe those gas pains were actually implantation pains? Oooooh Sore BB’s I MUST be pregnant!  I honestly just don’t bother getting those hopes up….I just enjoy the fact I don’t have my period yet.

This cycle I decided I’m going to up the dosage of the femara I have left and give it another go.  I wish there is something I could give my DH for his low sperm count, but almost nothing helps for that.  I haven’t seen my RE since May because I just don’t feel like going through another IUI right now.  Probably next year with taxes we can do an injectible IUI…see if that helps.  I just don’t see how anything other than IVF will really make a difference.

Meanwhile I should get my weight in order but that’s too embarrassing to talk about on this blog, and I honestly don’t think I’m ready to take responsibility for my eating habits, quite yet. Hopefully soon, but not yet.   In other news a friend of mine came over yesterday and we made hair bows.  This is a brand new thing for me!  I am the antithesis of crafty, but I have some skill if I’m patient enough.  I also do not make friends, I tolerate people, but rarely…..really rarely do I make a friend.  I find I don’t have the same social skills as most of the population….so I just copy what others do when they are social.  But with my friend…..I don’t have to ‘pretend’ to be interested…I’m actually interested!  That’s huge for me 😀

So, I’m going to think positive, keep focusing on other things….other than infertility.  So far so good!

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Letting go of infertility bitterness.

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4 years.  4 years since my one and only pregnancy ended with an ectopic.  My husband and I are currently infertile, with little hope of conceiving on our own….or even with medical intervention for that matter.  I used to be bitter, angry and depressed about the unfairness of it all.  I used to see a woman with 3 kids…pregnant with her 4th and think ‘Yeah, that’s fair’  or someone at the walmart who takes their foodcard to pay for their groceries pregnant with 2 little ones already and think ‘That’s cool, having kids for the government benefits, must be nice to get all that help’.    Yes I think these things, it doesn’t make me horrible, it just makes me what most people are….judgmental.

But things have gotten a lot better, probably because I work with a pregnant woman.  She was contemplating abortion, but she didn’t want to talk to me about it since she knows that I am infertile.  I decided then and there that I wasn’t going to treat this infertility thing with kid gloves.  I wasn’t going to have people walk on eggshells when talking about pregnancy.  I don’t want to be that person.  I am infertile, open and still proud to be a woman.  I will continue to try and get pregnant, will continue to talk about my struggles, but I will NOT take away another woman’s joy of being pregnant, simply because I cannot.

I see so many infertile woman who write posts about being so angry and depressed because everyone around them is pregnant and they aren’t.  They wont take a break from trying because if you don’t try you don’t get pregnant.  It’s become a lifelong achievement of theirs and since it’s happening to other people and not them, their life is meaningless.  My question to them is ‘why did you get married?’  Did you not get married to the man you loved? (same sex couples need not apply here although they can struggle with infertility).  Isn’t it enough to simply be able to be with the one you married for the rest of your lives?  Having a baby is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.   I don’t expect other infertile woman to understand, nor do I look down on them for feeling depressed for not conceiving.   But there is life after infertility.  Once you get into your 40’s the chances of conceiving are so small (1-5%) that you might as well take that time to truly live your life, rather than pine for that baby you never had.

I am only 33 so I still have some time left and my husband and I will continue to try and have a baby.  Still do treatments, but when we are done trying….that’s it, no need to drag our marriage into the ground just because there is no baby.  I have been with my husband since high school…..I am still in love with him, and look forward to being with him everyday.  Having children does not define us, and it shouldn’t define anybody.

Well that was a waste of time and money!

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Okay, so I am terrible at updating.  Gotta put that out there.  So I had my IUI on the 16th of April with hopes that everything was timed right.  Mike had an okay sample…..6.5million postwash.  Seems pretty low to me, but the doc said to go ahead.  Then the dreaded 2 week wait.  I started testing at 9dpo…and got a negative…but then on 10, 11, 12 dpo I had faint lines.  I got my period on 13dpo which is a day early for me.  I feel like my iui should have been done a day sooner, since I must have ovulated sooner than they think.  I can’t afford to do another one til after I move at the end of june. Unless something crazy happens, like I win the lottery!  So I am CD 3 and took my first dose of femara.  Kind of bummed, but in reality not too surprised considering it’s been almost 4 years already….whats a few more months?  I plan on starting to save for IVF….since we are only doing one round of that, I better save a lot!  If all of this doesn’t end up in a baby than we may consider foster care, we may not.  That’s a heavy road to go down also, so nothing is written in stone when it comes to the future.  I guess what I should do, is focus on my weight again and stick with it rather than just give up.  But that’s another post for another day.

Triggers, follies and eggs oh my!

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I had my scan on saturday and at that time I had a 15mm follie and a 12mm follie….both on my left ovary.  Which is good news because my right ovary/fallopian tube is where I had the ectopic.  I am triggering tonight at 9p.m. hopefully the 15mm follie is all good to go and maybe the 12 mm follie caught up!  Who knows…I wont have another scan to tell.  My lining is 9.5 which is nice and fluffy, so hopefully on wednesday the iui goes good and my DH gives a good sample (he has borderline low sperm count).  

I have to give myself 2 triggers due to my weight! That sucks! I called my RE today though to just make sure that she wants me to trigger tonight, and also make sure that 2 shots don’t make me ovulate sooner.  Hopefully we will have the timing right because everything else looks good.  DH and I BD’d on sunday, hopefully that wont affect the count, but we needed to connect like that.  We are going to BD wednesday night after I am done with work with hopes that it will help.  It wont hurt I suppose.

There are so many unknown factors when it comes to all of this.  At least with IVF they make sure you already have embryo’s and all they have to do is implant!  I am not a religous person…I believe in God, but I disagree with using the bible as the word of God, and I’m not really sure about miracles.  I feel like I do not deserve a miracle so it’s wrong for me to ask for God’s help.  I haven’t been able to let go and let God as the saying goes.  Maybe with time.  If anything it can maybe give me peace and accept what is happening rather than try to control all aspects of this Journey.  I was up til 2a.m. perseverating about the iui, and all the what if’s associated with this.  Not going to do me anygood to not get sleep!  Anyway thanks for reading!

First IUI bring on the excitement!

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So this month is my very first time ever doing an iui.  I am excited but freaked out at the same time.  Which I am sure is normal.  Giving myself a shot is pretty thought unnerving but, I am sure the build up in my head wont even compare to the actual event.  I go on the 12th for an ultrasound to see how my follicles are doing, then somebody will show me how to give myself the shot.  I’m sure that’s when they will tell me the time and date to do it depending on what my follicles look like.  I finally went to a different section of the website Two week wait.  My observation technique is one to be desired 😉 

Now I am with several other ladies that are in the same boat as I am, getting iui’s and know what it feels like to have been through so much of this baby making journey.   I probably bore my friends with my talk of infertility but I don’t care.  I don’t feel like it should be a taboo subject so I am pretty candid about the things I am doing.  One of my coworkers said ‘just rent a hotel room and have a lot of sex!’ If it was that easy we would be thriving with babies!  Anyway any infertile woman/couple knows that’s just what people say.  “It’s god’s will”  “Just relax!” and “why don’t you adopt?” as if that’s the cure all.  

I had a really tough day when my period started for this cycle.  I cried and cried, called my mom and cried some more.  See, I was trying to get ahold of my fertility clinic and the receptionist said that she would have the dr. call me back.  Nobody called me back, so I called back the next day, tuesday this was, same story, dr. would call me back…they claimed to have called me, but my cellphone did not indicate a missed call.  Again the dr. didn’t call me.  I felt like they didn’t care, weren’t taking me seriously and in general a hopeless feeling.  My mom said ‘call them back and give them heck!’  So I did.  They apologized profusely, said their phone system has been a little wacky lately.  I felt a lot better once I talked to them, scheduled my ultrasound and got an answer from the dr. about a couple of things.   

So, I am CD5 and I am on Femara days 3-7(which was covered by insurance!) and then I will have the U/S on the 12th.  I have the Ovidrel ($147 NOT covered by insurance) and then I will have the IUI once they say to come in!  I am worried because I work full time, don’t have any sick time, so I am hoping the iui is not during work hours.  The ultrasound/iui will cost 675 total.  With the ovidrel and femara this cycle cost me 826.  This is all out of pocket and this is the lowest step possible!  Imagine moving up to injectibles with more ultrasounds…not to mention IVF.  Man alive it’s not cheap being infertile.  I have my ‘it’s not fair!’ moments.  Infertility is a disease where the side effect is no children.  It’s not considered important in the medical field to treat because wanting babies is a choice not a medical necessity.  It’s utter crap, but someone who has children just fine might not understand.  

Sure it’s my choice to want children, but I shouldn’t be punished simply because my body wont make them on their own! What makes my plight any different than someone choosing to get eye correction surgery(which can be covered by vision insurance) or gastric bypass for that matter (which in most cases is covered by insurance also).  Aren’t those people CHOOSING to do those things without NEEDING too?  Don’t get me started with the gastric bypass either, I know several people that have had it done and it has changed their life, but it does come down to the choice to have it done.  Anyway enough of my ranting about insurance randomly.  I shall clear my mind and thing of happy thoughts!  

Aside

I follow this website called two week wait.  And I love and hate it at the same time.  I love it because a woman can find all sorts of support there and you can find ttc buddies on the same cycle as you.  But I hate it because anybody in the ttc journey can join…..be it first timers or trying to conceive number 5!  I personally am still waiting for number one after 42ish cycles.  I promised myself I wouldn’t get bitter but I am failing miserably.  I think what I need to do is find ladies specifically dealing with infertility.  What I’m dealing with now is this scenario, I start a thread…..people join said thread to wait with me….those people get pregnant and then they say it’s their first month ttc.  I type congratulations because I was raised to be polite but all I want to do is say “isn’t that nice to have that kind of luck”.

It should be against the law to have overly fertile people next to us infertile ones.  And another thing that aggravates the hell out of me.  Why are people testing so flipping early!  6 dpo COME ON! And then because one person got a positive at 8 Dpo all the ladies do it now….. like its normal.  The test will be positive in due time….seeing a line sooner isn’t going to make any difference.  In fact in increases heartache because now you know you were pregnant when you get your period!  This is my blog and I will cry if I want to 😉

Anyway I am going to try and do some research today and find other sites that are more infertile geared instead of…..this was my first month trying for number 2 and I’m pregnant isn’t that great.  Plus unfortunately this is kind of a self serving situation.  Everybody is wrapped up in their own cycles they don’t really give a shit about anyone else.  Ugh….I guess I just needed to vent about this for a bit.  So many things irritate me about this whole process.  I guess I just can’t wait to get pregnant so then I can just forget about websites like tww and updating my blog because life is bliss when you have a baby.

rant about the unfairness of it all.

My Trying to Conceive story thus far……

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My husband and I didn’t get married to have babies……in fact we were certain we didn’t want to add to the perfectness that was “us”.  In 2010 my sister had her last baby and my husband and I started having those baby feelings.  Me first and then him later when somebody would almost have to fight him to hold our new niece.  At the time I had the Mirena IUD in place so we decided in July of 2010 to have the mirena taken out and try to get pregnant.  Low and behold…my august cycle I get pregnant!!!! WOOT!  We were so excited, we told EVERYBODY!  I mean everybody…..so what happened next was that much harder.  I started spotting around my 6th week so beta’s were drawn and they were not going up like expected so the Dr. said I was just having a miscarriage and to ride it through.  We were devastated, and started the process of grieving.  A week later I started having sharp pains on my right side near my appendix.  I thought I was having an appendix attack, but it turns out I was still pregnant, but with an ectopic!  I had to go in for emergency surgery luckily saving my tube and my life of course.  Turns out I wasn’t done grieving for this pregnancy.  It took me a long time to move on from that experience.  

Now 3.5 years later we still are not pregnant, have no children and we are finally having our first IUI next cycle.  My husbands sperm count is a little low, and I have endometriosis and PCOS.  The OB up at the fertility clinic was confident that we would be able to get pregnant using the lowest amount of help possible.  So right now I am 5 DPO after taking clomid and metformin this cycle and we timed baby dancing perfectly so it could be possible to get  pregnant this cycle.  If not I am prepared for next cycle!  

People have asked us if we will do invetro…and no we will never do IVF.  If somebody has $15000 to lend us, then by all means I will certainly try it, but for now I do not have the kind of money for IVF.  People have also asked us why we don’t adopt.  Well again, if someone had $15,000 plus expenses for the birth mother then by all means we would try it!  Plus in wisconsin, the rights of the birth parents far outweigh those of the potential adoptive parents for the first 30 days past birth.  I do not want to have a baby for a possible 30 days and then have it possibly taken away because one of the birth parents changed their minds.  So IUI is really our only intervention possible.  If we aren’t pregnant by tax time next year then we might do a more medicated cycle with injectible meds and more ultrasounds….etc….but for now this is all we can do.  Sucks having insurance that does NOT cover infertility at ALL!

All we can do for now is hope for a miracle and try to do what we can to stay healthy and not stress over it all.  I hate hearing ‘Oh just relax, then you will get pregnant!’  I don’t know how many times I have just ‘relaxed’ and still nothing, so if that was the cure then there would be no infertility!  Thanks for reading, I will be updating this blog more often, since now I have a goal in mind!